Legislature, governor give away historic sites, confident no one will notice

Inspired by a model in Lakewood, the Washington State Legislature has decided to hand Washington’s  historic and heritage sites to government agencies that have nothing to do with history or heritage. 

Washington State lawmakers said they were inspired by what was going on in Lakewood, where the oldest grouping of buildings still in Washington, the original US Army fort established in 1849, is owned and managed by the Department of Social and Health Services.

“DSHS is a fine agency doing important work,” said Governor Bob Frush, reading carefully from prepared remarks. “And their ownership of some of the most historic ground in Washington proves that when a state agency has no budget, mandate, or institutional reason to care for a historic site, things will work out fine.”

“This is the fresh, open-minded thinking we need. This is how we want to manage our historic resources and create fresh avenues for overspending.”

DSHS staff was unavailable for comment as everyone was either testifying in personal injury lawsuits or holding meetings. Employees of Western State Hospital, who are good neighbors to the historic site, could not be reached for comment as they were busy doing actual work.

In 2026, the Washington Legislature approved:

The transfer of the Washington State History Museum in Tacoma to the Washington State Gambling Commission. All the artifacts at the museum will be disposed of, and the attractive structure in downtown Tacoma will be filled with slot machines with profits directly earmarked for the Washington State Legislature’s budget. (See above for a picture of the cleanup)

Gambling Commission Executive Director Edmond “Ratso” Flea said his state agency deserves the potentially lucrative site in downtown Tacoma because “We are the one state agency that has NOT been successfully sued for repeatedly putting children, the mentally ill or employees in danger. I know that doesn’t matter in a state where there’s only one political party and so no one cares about such things, but it oughta count for something,” Flea said.

Ginkgo Petrified Forest (Vantage) will be handed over to the Washington Department of Real Estate, which will clear out the messy fossils and turn the land into productive 15-story apartment complexes to address the housing affordability crisis in Washington.

“Assuming we can model ourselves after housing proj…uh, housing garden apartments in Manhattan and the Bronx, we call fill the formerly unproductive 7,000 acres with 2,400 identical brick towers with 2-foot wide patios to house 1.4 million people,,” said DRE Executive Director Adam Chernobyl. “Take THAT, housing affordability crisis.”

“Based on recent commercial development in the example city of Lakewood, Washington, these people will be serviced by 828 oil change establishments and we might have some other retail too. Maybe. Before we try to tear it down.”

Based on Legislative guidelines, the housing for 1.4 million people will include two parking spaces. 

Chernobyl apologized that there would be any parking at all, but said state legislation specified it be there so lawmakers can stop by and pick up campaign contributions.

The San Juan Island National Historical Park will be transferred to the Washington State Blueberry Commission so the land can be plowed and produce blueberries for food banks. 

The historic downtown of Steilacoom, Washington’s oldest town, will be plowed up when handed to the Washington State Potato Commission to grow wine grapes and heirloom apples. “That’s not really what the potato commission does, so I’m not sure where the Legislature got that, but we’ll get to plowing because I don’t retire for another two years,” said Potato Commissioner Carol Staye.

Fort Worden Historical State Park, Port Townsend, will be handed over to the Washington Department of Licensing so the buildings can be used to produce license plates. 

Chief Joseph’s ancestral homeland sites in Eastern Washington will be transferred to the Washington State Mobile Home Park Owners Association, which is not technically a state agency but which lobbies the Legislature so it might as well be.

Inspired by the number of trees the Washington State Department of Transportation was able to destroy to build a path between Tillicum and the rest of Lakewood, the Washington State Department of Transportation will entirely pave over the Hoh Rain Forest.

“We don’t want to build roads where people will use them, as that will piss off the Legislature, so we thought, “Hey, let’s just pave over something far off,” said WSDOT spokesperson Pavealot Jones.

“It makes employees feel big and important to tear down giant trees that have been there for centuries, so we’re all over that,” he said.

Fort Nisqually Museum in Tacoma will be transferred to the Washington State Department of Corrections to become a prison based on 1840s models including chains, whipping and starvation. New log cabin prison buildings will be created by clear-cutting Point Defiance Park.

 “Um, wait, does it really say that?” Gov. Frush said at the news conference, as he studied the list. “Guys, I know our party can do anything we want in the state but uh ..” and he trailed off and appeared to be writing a note to himself. 

Frush was able to do without interruption since no one was waiting on him; there are no human reporters left to attend news conferences and the three AIs present were generating songs about cats.

The Old Capitol Building in Olympia, where the Legislature has been meeting, will be turned over to DSHS which will use the nipple-like shape of its dome to focus the building as a center for breastfeeding education and counseling. 

“I love the idea of the state supporting new mothers and families, so maybe this one is a good idea,” said an average citizen, Walter Neary, an editor of The Cascadian, who was passing by on his way to avoid the news conference. “But then the Legislature would have no place to meet …um … yeah …they would have no place to meet… uh …  carry on, let’s do this one!”

The LeMay Car Museum in Tacoma will be transferred to the State Department of Ecology, which will be put in charge of the nation’s first automotive composting program. 

Not all history will be deliberately forgotten. The Klondike Gold Rush Museum in downtown Seattle will be transferred to the state Department of Tourism, which will charge tourists $21.99 for a bottle of water. It’s a nod to the kinds of prices charged during a gold rush or after a pandemic (same thing).

Starting fresh without any history

Lawmakers said the great thing about the transfer is that because the state agencies don’t know anything about history, lawmakers setting policy don’t have to know anything either – making the legislative session more productive and expensive for everyone. 

“With no sense of history, we can have a fresh start,” said State Sen. Paul Washington, D-Plattsburg, who said he proudly ignores the past and can only remember so far back as his most recent meeting with a lobbyist.

“For example, in Washington, we have a one-party government and no accountability that requires anyone in government to accomplish anything,” said Washington. “As far as I know, this has never happened before. It’s not like there’s every been a place in the history of the world and the United States where just a few people have all the power. In fact, one-party government is not even happening anywhere else in the present day, and certainly not in a place that has the same name as our state.”

“So we have no clue what will result and can write our own destiny!”

Flea, watching workers cart pioneer Ezra Meeker’s taxidermied oxen onto the street for trash pickup, mused “This is sure to upset the 18 voters who care about history, we know that. But change and evolution are necessary to embrace an inclusive and sustainable future that begins with the Why and achieves consensus among empowered stakeholders.”

“It’s history, so people will forget about it as irrelevant. We’ll make great use of these resources to build a brighter future. And create a history no one will care about either.”